Friends with Benefits

I have always had a problem where I make out with my friends. For me this is not really an issue. They are usually there after a heavy night of cocktails and it is basically convenience. But, I think it can make things a little awkward. I did it in high school … I did it in college … and I did it last weekend. Damnit.

The friend make out can go one of two ways. Neither of you care at all and are totally candid about it. OR you both pretend nothing happened and secretly avoid one another for a few weeks until the awkwardness wears off. I usually choose the former of the two options. But sometimes I go with the latter.

You also have to establish some ground rules mentally when you make out with a friend. You cannot get attached. You also have to realize that it is going to make things awkward for the rest of your friends when they find out. Or they will mock you endlessly. I mean, either way it is going to be a bad situation.

So I have made an August resolution! Not to make out with friends ANYMORE. As a side note, on Saturday I was blacked out from too much vodka. Sunday I proceeded to sit in bed ALL day and eat an entire pizza throughout the day. Nothing is better for a hangover than that.

My theory on friends with benefits: it does not really work. And you are going to get made fun of.

The Creepy Goatee Set-up

So I thought it was weird when my evil ex’s friends asked me out for drinks. I mean I thought that they probably secretly did not like him (which ended up being the case as they were very candid about it) – but asking an ex for drinks was kind of a lot. I went anyways just to show I was fabulous and doing well without my stupid ex bf.

It turns out this was a set-up. There was a guy who was friends with them who they wanted me to go out with. Which was nice. But he was BALD. Like he took a Bic to his head. And he had a mustache which turned into a goatee. WHO said mustaches were still acceptable in society today? I certainly do NOT approve. Now that I think about it I am having flashbacks and my stomach kind of feels ill. GROSS. And why would it be okay for me to date someone with such an appearance? Who is in his mid-30s and still lives in a house with multiple roommates. Sorry bud, this is not college. You do not live in a frat house.

So regardless of all of this, I go out with him …. Mostly out of spite. I want my ex to hear I am going on dates and let alone – the people he considers his “friends” are setting me up on them. If my friends were trying to set an ex of mine up with anyone, I would be LIVID!

Don’t get me wrong, this guy is TOTALLY nice. And a gentleman … but there is NO way I can get past the goatee. None. I thought about it and the thought of kissing him made me ill. The second (and last) date we went on … he walked me to the door and clearly wanted to come in. I acquiesced but sat on the other end of the couch and proceeded to fall asleep. I was not letting this guy get his hands on me.

Let’s get one thing straight. I do not know how to dump a guy. I have never really had to do it. I was usually just blacked out on vodka and not dating. So how do I do it? My therapist informed me that I should just stop calling him back. (Sometimes I feel like she gives poor advice). But I felt like that was SO rude.

I did take the advice of my therapist and it worked. Although – someone should really address his facial hair with him. So inappropriate.

AA Dating

So I meet this guy. He is a Hokie (he went to VA Tech). We really ended up hitting it off. He was nice and polite and had a country accent. For some reason accents of any kind get me. Especially country ones. I just assume that they are gentlemen and that they would treat me like a southern belle.

After a few dates – which consisted of two meals and then sitting on my couch watching movies (which I purchased on-demand … leaving me with a sweet cable bill that month …. And then making out. This was fine. I like to make out. But something was off about this guy the whole time. He never wanted a beer or anything when he was at my house. (OK fine – maybe he was not into Weds drinking …. I get that) but then my friend Sne and I looked him up on Facebook.

All his posts were about “Keep it Simple Stupid” and “One Day at a Time” – anyone could figure out the guy was an alcoholic. I know personally from attending AA meetings after a DUI incident in Blacksburg circa 2005. But that is a WHOLE additional blog post. Let’s just say … the jail in Christiansburg, VA is not a good place for a 22-year-old blacked out female.

He also LOVED AA. Which was odd to me. ALL of his friends came from AA. This presented an odd predicament for me. How can all of your friends be in AA. Isn’t that like co-dependency or something?? I guess people who attend AA need an addiction and this is what they choose instead of booze. I guess it is healthier than alcohol. But I cant date someone who does not drink. I like a glass of wine with my dinner and I felt like I was enabling by having something to drink in front of him. (OK, fine I did a few times).

Then I realized this guy was DUMB. I was actually not very proud that he went the same educational institution that I did. HOW did someone like him graduate? Then I found out that he used to be a drug addict. Good. So all things aside, I decided to use him for what he was good for. Sex …. At this point we may as well bone, right? Yes, I said bone.

Things didn’t really work out too well as I ended up having to take a morning after pill at one point and that was not cool. Damn you, Trojan! So let’s just say things tapered after that experience. But I definitely did not want any drug addicted alcoholic babies… who were dumb.

Back to square one.

Tiny Wiggly Eyes

So I have not updated this blog in a while. I know, Bad Girl because all 7 people who read it may be upset. But I wanted to update on some of the quality dates I have been on.

Now I know that not everyone you meet online is going to be PERFECT. There is a lot of misrepresentation. And getting out of a REALLY bad relationship – it did not matter who I dated. As long as they did not try to get hookers or throw hammers at me. My standards are low at best.

So a few months ago I go out with this guy who looks really cute online. Note: ALWAYS look at the height prior to going out with someone. Not that I am a heightist but I would like to be at least the same height and preferably shorter than whoever I am dating.

Anyways I go on a date with this guy and we have to wait for a table. I order a Shock Top. This is nothing crazy. It is a regular beer – and this guy knows nothing about it. Ok, fine. He is not a drinker. I on the other hand, enjoy a good cocktail now and again. But give me a little vodka or too much wine and things spiral quickly out of control.

The first thing that this guy tells me is that he had to have surgery for his eyes because the wiggled constantly. It was like lazy eye surgery but a little more intense. OK, well that is nice. Then he proceeds to point to his eyes and tell me “See, they still do it a little!” – Awesome. If anyone has ever told you that they have a wobbly eye then it is the ONLY thing you look at the whole time.
Of course he ended up being in software – as every single person I have met online has been. So we talked about software all night and I stared at his 5’5’’ wobbly eye.

Needless to say, I did not call him back. Ever.