Chicken Grease?

So since I am now single and have had a few months to recover from the debacle that was my last relationship, my friends have taken an interest in trying to find men for me to date. There are also men coming out of the woodwork with an interest in me. I have to say, this has never really happened – especially so many at once. Maybe it is because after my last relationship, I am a little bit more bold with guys and less shy about dating in general.

The only issue with this is these guys are NOT GOOD. All of them are pretty overweight and, not that I think I am the hottest person ever, I think I could do a little better … at least physically. And they are all REALLY nice. I feel bad saying that since it seems shallow. But at this point, I just have to be honest.

Option A) Jack Black / Hurley from LOST love child look alike. Please refer back to my blog post entitled Dodging the ‘Stache.

Option B) Big Boy: He is REALLY nice but kind of obese. BB has been texting me and I want to be friends, but I don’t want to lead him on and make him think I want more.

Option C) Ginger Goatee: Again a heavy guy who is SUPER nice and actually really fun. I just do not think I could get past the goatee.

Option D) Chicken Grease: This is by far the best. This morning I get an email from one of my friends saying that this person is interested in me. Now – I don’t remember him but just assumed I knew him and was drunk and forgot who he was. It happens. He asked to be my FB friend and so I accepted since we had so many friends in common. It turns out that this man is missing a front tooth and is a redneck whose friends have lovingly nicknamed him Chicken Grease.

First off, I would be really mad if someone named me Chicken Grease. Second, REALLY? My friends think I should date a toothless man named CHICKEN GREASE?

All of this is kind of unprecedented. I am not asking my friends to hook me up with anyone. And how did Chicken Grease even decide he was interested in me if we don’t really know eachother.

I asked one of my best guy friends, B, what he thinks and his theory is that I really set the standards low with my ex and everyone wondered why I was dating him. Not only was he not the hottest, he was not even nice. So now people think I have no filter as to who I will date.

Every year for July 3rd my best friend, Britt, and her family throw a party. And half of my potential suitors will be there. Maybe there will be a brawl for my love. But I certainly hope not.

The Nerd / Moobs Date

Ok so I decided to give this online dating thing another whirl. There are certain types of men who frequent these sites. The ones trolling for sex, the legit nice and nerdy ones who just want a date / to find someone to marry, and the creepers. No, 47-year-old who lives in West VA, I don’t want to chat with you … but thanks for the offer.

Last night I went on a date with the second type … the legit nice nerd. So his pics online were quite deceiving. But I should have known when he had a Masters in Science and was an engineer for “some place he could not talk about” – which means he has a high clearance like most people here. Or he was making it up. Either way.

For a first date you would think someone would pull it together. Look a little nice. Dress their best. But no. This guy had on stone washed jeans and an ill fitting polo with his college logo and bad white tennis shoes. Tennis shoes? Really? And he had moobs. Yes, man boobs. Which were highlighted by his quasi-lycra shirt.

Now bad dressing is not necessarily a total deal breaker. Whatever. But he also had this odd blinking thing that I have seen a lot of engineers do. Like he has something in both eyes constantly and he could not make eye contact with me. Now I get that he was nervous but I can talk to a tree for hours so he could have been ok.
The conversation was centered around work and technology the whole night. The ENTIRE thing. I can get down with technology but I talk about it alllll day at work. I don’t want to talk about it in my social outings.

I am kind of a closet nerd too. But you know what it is like to KNOW you are cooler than the person you are on a date with? And he did not even drink and does not drink. I do not trust people who do not drink ... because I feel like they are judging. So it was a sober moobs date.

The bad part is, I know he really liked me. I feel bad but I cannot do the moobs. I just can’t…

The 25-Year-Old Virgin

Let me start with the fact that I am not super sexually experienced. I held off on losing my virginity until I was 25 and dated one guy for a very long time. So now I feel like it is time for me to experience what all of my friends experienced in their early 20s in my late 20s. (Safely of course). I almost wish I had just done it when I was 19 so these things were not such a big deal to me.

But, that did not happen.

So here I am 27 and I have only been with 1 (ok like 1.5 guys) – I decided to not count the 2nd totally because it was a friend and it was just like a drunken hook up. OK, fine … two then but it was to shake off the feelings I had for my ex and make him not the ONLY person I had ever been with. (OK enough justification of him, I promise). When my friends found out that had happened they were basically high fiving me and chest bumping me – they were so proud that I did it with someone else. Which is not usually the reaction friends have to one night stands, but they didn’t really like my ex.

So now it’s hard … what if I am somehow bad at sex?? Waiting until I was 25 was not a good idea because now I want to have it every single day. And now I am single… and I have the sex drive of a raging 12-year-old boy who just hit puberty.

Honestly I didn’t even care about sex until I was 25 – I was like what is the big deal? What is this Thing everyone is talking about and why do people thing it is such a good idea. Arent they scared about getting pregnant or getting herpes or AIDS or one of the million STDs out there? And then I did it. Since I am super OCD, my best friend told me that once I did it. I would probably want to. A lot. And she was right.

So now I am 27 – and newly single. I feel like I am too old to just go out to a bar and meet random men and bring them back to my house. That is what I scolded my girlfriends for when we were 19. Not that I was a TOTAL angel, I just never put out. And honestly I am not ready to get back into a relationship. Not after the one I just got out of, so what’s a girl to do?

I thought that the solution would be an F Buddy. I know that sounds gross but what else can I do. I would rather have sex with someone who was just having sex w me (and if he isn’t – not tell me about it just be safe) and who I like to hang out with. I don’t want any drama that comes with a relationship. Period.

But if it is someone I am just sleeping with and hanging out with …. What is the difference between that and a real boyfriend.

And let’s just say the pool of people my friends have come up with for me to date is not exactly one that I want to dive into. Sometimes I look at those men, and am like REALLY? So I have to go outside of my group to find someone.

So I am kind of in limbo at this point. But my 12-year-old boy libido does NOT like it.

Watch Out for the Big Girls

So I went to a wedding this weekend and I was sitting across from a couple. Mind you, it was me and my friends at the table who have known each other almost ten years – so our interest in talking to anyone else at the table was pretty much limited in general. We chatted with them briefly and then went into our own little gossip filled land of ten years and the antics which had occurred the night prior.

This did not happen without me noticing the couple across from me first. The guy was your average guy who may have been slightly douchey … but let’s be honest, I would’ve dated him. And his girlfriend, well she was just big. Not that I am discriminating. Big girls need love too. But it is a thing I have been noticing more often. And not only was she large, she was not even very nice. She ordered him around and he followed her like a puppy dog.

I am not thin my any means. I am curvy. I always have been. I never have been one of those stick thin girls. But you would not look at me and think – THAT IS A LARGE WOMAN. I even got my bra size fitted the other day and it’s a 34 F … if you do not know how this works. 34 is your ribcage size. F would be the cup size. I am thinking because it was strapless and the girls had to get in. So I was buying a 36DD - Which works with some bras but clearly I was was not fitted properly. And really – what happened to E? Did we just skip E?

Anyways my point is. I am curvy – but range around a size 10 – (and 8 prior to my last boyfriend where we had to eat wings almost every day - which I am working back down to).

I have done some random eRage on my ex. Postings on Do Not Date this Guy.com and Craigslist and a few other sites. Purely out of anger. I may kind of regret it now because it was petty. But I just didn’t want anyone to experience the hurt which I felt again. And a lot of these posts warranted responses. And with said responses came some Google IDs and with said Google IDs came pictures. Pictures of MORE big girls he was sleeping with. Or trying to sleep with. Or had slept with. He also found said postings and let’s just say was less than happy.

Now I had seen many a large woman he had relations with so I just assumed I was safe from cheating. I mean he had his curvy girl regular sized girl at home so why would he look elsewhere. I guess I was wrong.

So after this experience, I have been noticing it more and more. Big girls with seemingly normal sized men. It is everywhere. I guess I don’t get the fetish. Maybe they are really good in bed? Is it that saying – “more cushion for the pushing”? I have no idea.

One of my best guy friends admitted to finding women on sites like Hot or Not and CL and they were Large Marge but he had sex with them anyways and said “It was just a hole.” One woman he said had to be at a 45 degree angle just so he could figure out where to put it. You know it is bad when you cannot locate the hole.

This is not a rant but just an observation. And honestly I have nothing against larger people … I don’t know why my guy would look for a 44DD when he had someone with a 34 at home. I am sure some of these are nice and amazing women and maybe I am just jaded. But a Fat Chick fetish, really?

But my new theme song is “Watch Out for the Big Girls” – just FYI.