Friends with Benefits

I have always had a problem where I make out with my friends. For me this is not really an issue. They are usually there after a heavy night of cocktails and it is basically convenience. But, I think it can make things a little awkward. I did it in high school … I did it in college … and I did it last weekend. Damnit.

The friend make out can go one of two ways. Neither of you care at all and are totally candid about it. OR you both pretend nothing happened and secretly avoid one another for a few weeks until the awkwardness wears off. I usually choose the former of the two options. But sometimes I go with the latter.

You also have to establish some ground rules mentally when you make out with a friend. You cannot get attached. You also have to realize that it is going to make things awkward for the rest of your friends when they find out. Or they will mock you endlessly. I mean, either way it is going to be a bad situation.

So I have made an August resolution! Not to make out with friends ANYMORE. As a side note, on Saturday I was blacked out from too much vodka. Sunday I proceeded to sit in bed ALL day and eat an entire pizza throughout the day. Nothing is better for a hangover than that.

My theory on friends with benefits: it does not really work. And you are going to get made fun of.

The Creepy Goatee Set-up

So I thought it was weird when my evil ex’s friends asked me out for drinks. I mean I thought that they probably secretly did not like him (which ended up being the case as they were very candid about it) – but asking an ex for drinks was kind of a lot. I went anyways just to show I was fabulous and doing well without my stupid ex bf.

It turns out this was a set-up. There was a guy who was friends with them who they wanted me to go out with. Which was nice. But he was BALD. Like he took a Bic to his head. And he had a mustache which turned into a goatee. WHO said mustaches were still acceptable in society today? I certainly do NOT approve. Now that I think about it I am having flashbacks and my stomach kind of feels ill. GROSS. And why would it be okay for me to date someone with such an appearance? Who is in his mid-30s and still lives in a house with multiple roommates. Sorry bud, this is not college. You do not live in a frat house.

So regardless of all of this, I go out with him …. Mostly out of spite. I want my ex to hear I am going on dates and let alone – the people he considers his “friends” are setting me up on them. If my friends were trying to set an ex of mine up with anyone, I would be LIVID!

Don’t get me wrong, this guy is TOTALLY nice. And a gentleman … but there is NO way I can get past the goatee. None. I thought about it and the thought of kissing him made me ill. The second (and last) date we went on … he walked me to the door and clearly wanted to come in. I acquiesced but sat on the other end of the couch and proceeded to fall asleep. I was not letting this guy get his hands on me.

Let’s get one thing straight. I do not know how to dump a guy. I have never really had to do it. I was usually just blacked out on vodka and not dating. So how do I do it? My therapist informed me that I should just stop calling him back. (Sometimes I feel like she gives poor advice). But I felt like that was SO rude.

I did take the advice of my therapist and it worked. Although – someone should really address his facial hair with him. So inappropriate.

AA Dating

So I meet this guy. He is a Hokie (he went to VA Tech). We really ended up hitting it off. He was nice and polite and had a country accent. For some reason accents of any kind get me. Especially country ones. I just assume that they are gentlemen and that they would treat me like a southern belle.

After a few dates – which consisted of two meals and then sitting on my couch watching movies (which I purchased on-demand … leaving me with a sweet cable bill that month …. And then making out. This was fine. I like to make out. But something was off about this guy the whole time. He never wanted a beer or anything when he was at my house. (OK fine – maybe he was not into Weds drinking …. I get that) but then my friend Sne and I looked him up on Facebook.

All his posts were about “Keep it Simple Stupid” and “One Day at a Time” – anyone could figure out the guy was an alcoholic. I know personally from attending AA meetings after a DUI incident in Blacksburg circa 2005. But that is a WHOLE additional blog post. Let’s just say … the jail in Christiansburg, VA is not a good place for a 22-year-old blacked out female.

He also LOVED AA. Which was odd to me. ALL of his friends came from AA. This presented an odd predicament for me. How can all of your friends be in AA. Isn’t that like co-dependency or something?? I guess people who attend AA need an addiction and this is what they choose instead of booze. I guess it is healthier than alcohol. But I cant date someone who does not drink. I like a glass of wine with my dinner and I felt like I was enabling by having something to drink in front of him. (OK, fine I did a few times).

Then I realized this guy was DUMB. I was actually not very proud that he went the same educational institution that I did. HOW did someone like him graduate? Then I found out that he used to be a drug addict. Good. So all things aside, I decided to use him for what he was good for. Sex …. At this point we may as well bone, right? Yes, I said bone.

Things didn’t really work out too well as I ended up having to take a morning after pill at one point and that was not cool. Damn you, Trojan! So let’s just say things tapered after that experience. But I definitely did not want any drug addicted alcoholic babies… who were dumb.

Back to square one.

Tiny Wiggly Eyes

So I have not updated this blog in a while. I know, Bad Girl because all 7 people who read it may be upset. But I wanted to update on some of the quality dates I have been on.

Now I know that not everyone you meet online is going to be PERFECT. There is a lot of misrepresentation. And getting out of a REALLY bad relationship – it did not matter who I dated. As long as they did not try to get hookers or throw hammers at me. My standards are low at best.

So a few months ago I go out with this guy who looks really cute online. Note: ALWAYS look at the height prior to going out with someone. Not that I am a heightist but I would like to be at least the same height and preferably shorter than whoever I am dating.

Anyways I go on a date with this guy and we have to wait for a table. I order a Shock Top. This is nothing crazy. It is a regular beer – and this guy knows nothing about it. Ok, fine. He is not a drinker. I on the other hand, enjoy a good cocktail now and again. But give me a little vodka or too much wine and things spiral quickly out of control.

The first thing that this guy tells me is that he had to have surgery for his eyes because the wiggled constantly. It was like lazy eye surgery but a little more intense. OK, well that is nice. Then he proceeds to point to his eyes and tell me “See, they still do it a little!” – Awesome. If anyone has ever told you that they have a wobbly eye then it is the ONLY thing you look at the whole time.
Of course he ended up being in software – as every single person I have met online has been. So we talked about software all night and I stared at his 5’5’’ wobbly eye.

Needless to say, I did not call him back. Ever.

Chicken Grease?

So since I am now single and have had a few months to recover from the debacle that was my last relationship, my friends have taken an interest in trying to find men for me to date. There are also men coming out of the woodwork with an interest in me. I have to say, this has never really happened – especially so many at once. Maybe it is because after my last relationship, I am a little bit more bold with guys and less shy about dating in general.

The only issue with this is these guys are NOT GOOD. All of them are pretty overweight and, not that I think I am the hottest person ever, I think I could do a little better … at least physically. And they are all REALLY nice. I feel bad saying that since it seems shallow. But at this point, I just have to be honest.

Option A) Jack Black / Hurley from LOST love child look alike. Please refer back to my blog post entitled Dodging the ‘Stache.

Option B) Big Boy: He is REALLY nice but kind of obese. BB has been texting me and I want to be friends, but I don’t want to lead him on and make him think I want more.

Option C) Ginger Goatee: Again a heavy guy who is SUPER nice and actually really fun. I just do not think I could get past the goatee.

Option D) Chicken Grease: This is by far the best. This morning I get an email from one of my friends saying that this person is interested in me. Now – I don’t remember him but just assumed I knew him and was drunk and forgot who he was. It happens. He asked to be my FB friend and so I accepted since we had so many friends in common. It turns out that this man is missing a front tooth and is a redneck whose friends have lovingly nicknamed him Chicken Grease.

First off, I would be really mad if someone named me Chicken Grease. Second, REALLY? My friends think I should date a toothless man named CHICKEN GREASE?

All of this is kind of unprecedented. I am not asking my friends to hook me up with anyone. And how did Chicken Grease even decide he was interested in me if we don’t really know eachother.

I asked one of my best guy friends, B, what he thinks and his theory is that I really set the standards low with my ex and everyone wondered why I was dating him. Not only was he not the hottest, he was not even nice. So now people think I have no filter as to who I will date.

Every year for July 3rd my best friend, Britt, and her family throw a party. And half of my potential suitors will be there. Maybe there will be a brawl for my love. But I certainly hope not.

The Nerd / Moobs Date

Ok so I decided to give this online dating thing another whirl. There are certain types of men who frequent these sites. The ones trolling for sex, the legit nice and nerdy ones who just want a date / to find someone to marry, and the creepers. No, 47-year-old who lives in West VA, I don’t want to chat with you … but thanks for the offer.

Last night I went on a date with the second type … the legit nice nerd. So his pics online were quite deceiving. But I should have known when he had a Masters in Science and was an engineer for “some place he could not talk about” – which means he has a high clearance like most people here. Or he was making it up. Either way.

For a first date you would think someone would pull it together. Look a little nice. Dress their best. But no. This guy had on stone washed jeans and an ill fitting polo with his college logo and bad white tennis shoes. Tennis shoes? Really? And he had moobs. Yes, man boobs. Which were highlighted by his quasi-lycra shirt.

Now bad dressing is not necessarily a total deal breaker. Whatever. But he also had this odd blinking thing that I have seen a lot of engineers do. Like he has something in both eyes constantly and he could not make eye contact with me. Now I get that he was nervous but I can talk to a tree for hours so he could have been ok.
The conversation was centered around work and technology the whole night. The ENTIRE thing. I can get down with technology but I talk about it alllll day at work. I don’t want to talk about it in my social outings.

I am kind of a closet nerd too. But you know what it is like to KNOW you are cooler than the person you are on a date with? And he did not even drink and does not drink. I do not trust people who do not drink ... because I feel like they are judging. So it was a sober moobs date.

The bad part is, I know he really liked me. I feel bad but I cannot do the moobs. I just can’t…

The 25-Year-Old Virgin

Let me start with the fact that I am not super sexually experienced. I held off on losing my virginity until I was 25 and dated one guy for a very long time. So now I feel like it is time for me to experience what all of my friends experienced in their early 20s in my late 20s. (Safely of course). I almost wish I had just done it when I was 19 so these things were not such a big deal to me.

But, that did not happen.

So here I am 27 and I have only been with 1 (ok like 1.5 guys) – I decided to not count the 2nd totally because it was a friend and it was just like a drunken hook up. OK, fine … two then but it was to shake off the feelings I had for my ex and make him not the ONLY person I had ever been with. (OK enough justification of him, I promise). When my friends found out that had happened they were basically high fiving me and chest bumping me – they were so proud that I did it with someone else. Which is not usually the reaction friends have to one night stands, but they didn’t really like my ex.

So now it’s hard … what if I am somehow bad at sex?? Waiting until I was 25 was not a good idea because now I want to have it every single day. And now I am single… and I have the sex drive of a raging 12-year-old boy who just hit puberty.

Honestly I didn’t even care about sex until I was 25 – I was like what is the big deal? What is this Thing everyone is talking about and why do people thing it is such a good idea. Arent they scared about getting pregnant or getting herpes or AIDS or one of the million STDs out there? And then I did it. Since I am super OCD, my best friend told me that once I did it. I would probably want to. A lot. And she was right.

So now I am 27 – and newly single. I feel like I am too old to just go out to a bar and meet random men and bring them back to my house. That is what I scolded my girlfriends for when we were 19. Not that I was a TOTAL angel, I just never put out. And honestly I am not ready to get back into a relationship. Not after the one I just got out of, so what’s a girl to do?

I thought that the solution would be an F Buddy. I know that sounds gross but what else can I do. I would rather have sex with someone who was just having sex w me (and if he isn’t – not tell me about it just be safe) and who I like to hang out with. I don’t want any drama that comes with a relationship. Period.

But if it is someone I am just sleeping with and hanging out with …. What is the difference between that and a real boyfriend.

And let’s just say the pool of people my friends have come up with for me to date is not exactly one that I want to dive into. Sometimes I look at those men, and am like REALLY? So I have to go outside of my group to find someone.

So I am kind of in limbo at this point. But my 12-year-old boy libido does NOT like it.