On a Serious Note

Anyone who knows me knows I am not really a serious person. I love tend to be a jokester and am pretty dry – some may say even witty. Recently I have been dealing with some things that ended up being pretty serious and I wanted to use this venue to talk about them.

I ended a relationship with a very abusive man a few weeks ago. This happened to be my first “real” boyfriend and the first person I ended up being intimate with. Let me first say, if any other friend, acquaintance, relative or anyone I saw on the street had experienced even 10% of the things I did, I would think that they were crazy for putting up with it. Why would a woman put up with someone who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive? And on top of that would try to talk to strange women on the Internet? (This could be a very special and funny blog post of its own because some of it is pretty entertaining … and pathetic.)

I have always prided myself on being independent. I do not need a man! Anyone who would need one was pathetic – or so I thought before. Then this person came into my life and moved into my home and I saw that, for the first time, I was nurturing. I wanted a family and to spend the rest of my life with someone who loved me and I considered my best friend -Although not someone who would try to get a hooker for a blowie on Craigslist. I don’t ask for a lot, but the No Hookers Rule is a prereq for me.

So I am coming out of this experience with more emotions than I have ever had about anything. Some days I want to rage. Some days I am sad. And some days, I plain just do not care. Every day gets a little easier, but it’s hard to explain.

After months of trying to vocalize my feelings to my girlfriends, I have reached out to find other support. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are amazing and did exactly what I would have done in the situation. But explaining what you feel to someone who has not been through it is absolutely impossible.

This past Monday I went to a group for victims of domestic abuse. I hate saying the word “victim” but that is what it is. It is a small and only about eight women were there. The amazing thing to me was – you can get all these women in a room that are so diverse. Everyone had a different background and different socioeconomic situation. But the story was exactly the same, just in different places. The patterns and signs of abuse do not change and it manifests itself in the same ways.

The hard thing is – I still love him. Someone who would hurt me so much physically and emotionally should not be someone I care about at all. But I do. I know that will change one day and I am waiting for it!

On a good note, this experience has made me want to do something positive for myself and focus on me this Spring …. And losing this relationship weight. So I am going to start running and train for a 5k – then maybe more. I am not much of an athlete and except for cheerleading and a Zeta flag football team in college (which I only joined under the pretense that we would also be drinking), I have not really been involved in anything which requires any sort of skill or coordination, so it should be funny.

So here’s to Spring and new beginnings!!!!!!!!!!