Would You Like a Threesome?

A few months ago when RG and I had our initial split, but were still kinddddd of together just not really seeing one another, I went out with some friends. It was this girl’s birthday who worked with my friend Britt and we volunteered to take her out since she lost all of her friends to her baby daddy when she moved out of his house. Whatever – I am trying not to judge and it was an excuse to party.

So, Britt and her overly dramatic 40-year-old with six kids boyfriend come over along with her friend, Gina. We go out to the local bars by my house – which isn’t anything too crazy but if you want to get ripped and not have to worry about a long ride or an expensive cab … or not making it to your own bed, it is a realistic option.

Britt and her boyfriend fight … they fight A LOT. Every time we go anywhere they are in a fight about something ridiculous. Mind you, if I am 40 and doing the things he is doing – I will not be happy about where my life has taken me. This time, he gets some of his equally old friends and decides to try to make Britt jealous by flirting with some other women. I guess it worked because she was pissed. Really mature.

So we meet another older couple at the bar. The woman is pretty but seems a little crazy and then man is older in his mid-40’s and looks like he has smoked one too many Marlboro Reds in his day. But they were fun! So naive Holly that I am, I invite them back to my house for some late night drinking and give them my phone number. The more the merrier, right?

Um, wrong.

These people come back to my house and seem to be having the best time ever. The man informs me that he is on the Executive board at the local school district and she is a Special Ed teacher. I proceeded to tell him that was “Awesome – my mom works in Fairfax schools! And I know a ton of teachers in the school district!!! Yayyyy!” This is when he decided that it was time for him to leave. He finds his Lady friend sitting on Britt’s lap in the living room – which was an odd thing to do but I did not really think anything of it at the time.

They leave and this is when things kind of spiral out of control. Spence decides that Britt was trying to sleep with this older couple and that she is a lesbian. He proceeds to yell at her until 5 am on my balcony and cry about her lesbian tendencies. After some begging and pleading for them to come back in, they finally did. But not after my neighbors (who probably really like me after the multitude of domestic disputes which have happened the past 1.5 years) heard the screaming.

I finally get everyone into bed. Britt and Spence are in the guest bedroom, which has no door due to an incident where I did not hang up my coat properly and RG decided my punishiment would be to rip off my laundry room doors and throw them around and then kick through the guest bedroom door – the room I had locked myself in to hide from him. Oh well, they didn’t need a door, right? Wrong again.

I get into bed and get a call from an unknown number. When I pick it up it is the woman who was here with her old boyfriend….

Me: “Hello?”

Chick: “Hi …. What are you doing we are trying to come back over and party….”

Me: “ Well it is 5 am so I think I am just going to go ahead and go to sleep but um, we are going to brunch tomorrow and we can call you then?”

Chick: “That would be great but we want to party now.”

Me: “Since everyone is in bed, I think I am just going to head to sleep and nobody else is up so that would be a bad plan …"

Chick: “My boyfriend thinks you are hot.”
Me: “Um, thanks ??”

(Gross!)

Chick: “We could come over and just play in your room … what are you wearing?”

This was totally unprecedented. What? Did I give off some kind of threesome vibe? She proceeded to tell me that Britt seemed totally into it and had lots of threesomes in the past (this ended up being true and that is why her boyfriend was so upset and thought she was a lesbian). I guess Spence was not making it up when he said that the two chicks were heavy petting on the porch. So I guess the chick assumed that meant I was into it too?

I finally got off the phone with this woman after I promised to call her for brunch about 4 times – which I did not. When I went to tell Britt that she has just called to proposition me, she and her boyfriend were mid makeup sex in my doorless guest bedroom.

I turned around, went back to bed and hid under the covers. How did my home turn into a brothel?

People can have their interests and if threesomes are one of them, that is fine … I just don’t want to be involved. Oh and if you would like to bone in my guest bedroom wait until there is a door – and PLEASE strip the sheets when you are done.

And if I was going to pick a couple to have a threesome with - it would definitely NOT be those people.